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Ellen’s Monologue — Portia’s citizenship (12.05.11)

Отправлено в 28.03.2012 – 14:37 | Метки: ,

Монолог о том, как Порша все-таки смогла получить американское гражданство, что ей для этого пришлось выучить, и как ей помогала Эллен.

I like it ! Thank you so much and right back at you. I feel the same about each and every one of you ! Thank you very much.

So … so (uh) last night Portia and I were sitting on our … in our living room on the sofa and Portia opened up a book and right a way I started to worry. I thought oh, the television is broken. And … but she was (uh) studying … she said she was studying for her US citizenship test and I said, “Where hell are you from?!”. Turns out she is from Australia, I didn’t even know it. A beautiful country famous for its strudel. And becoming a citizen , I’m learning is  not easy. You have to do a lot of complicated paperwork, so we went and stood in a long line. And Portia.. and I filled out these forms and I don’t think we did it right because we accidently adopted a Korean baby. So … yep, now we have a baby.  There’s a lot of studying you have to do for that test. I don’t know if anybody’s taken that citizenship test, but it’s a hard test. And first of all, Portia is from Australia, so she has to learn to speak English and then she has to memorize all these facts about the USA and different dates and different names and every single “you might be a redneck” joke. And … so, I’m helping her studying. And some of these questions are … (uh) they’re hard! I  just gonna give you some examples (be)cause I’m studying with her, I’m learning these things. I want to know how many of you know these things. One of the questions is “How many amendments are there to the constitution?” Does anybody know that?

-Nope, nope. You’re just gonna to keep counting: 60, 70, 80 ! It’s 27. There’s 27 amendments.

-Yeah, alright … and how many seats are in the House of Representatives? That’s another question. (Does) anybody know that? What did you say? 13? Close. 435. Very close. Almost!  Good thing, you’re a citizen already ! And then … Why did Yankee Doodle, stick a feather in his cap and called it macaroni? I don’t know, but he might be a redneck, I know that. It’s important information.  It’s all  important information, but I thought  of a few things that they should add to the test. When I look through it that would help all of us as citizens. I like everyone… that you should exercise your right to vote. I think the most important thing is exercise, yes. Very important. Otherwise, your favorite singer on American Idol might be sent home, right?! And then they should teach about driving.

That should be on the test for sure like if you pull up to a gas  station, don’t be one of those people that stops at the first pump! Pull  forward, go all the way forward, right ?! Go ! You have to go up, and you  have to back up, and you have to … then you figure out it’s on the wrong side, then you have to turn around … and if you are in the carpool lane, don’t drive like  a grandma, use that as the express fast, fast, fast lane, go fast , fast ! Also important, I think people need to know all natural deodorant means, it does not work. Of course Franklin Roosevelt said we have nothing to fear but fear itself, but we should also fear , I believe , low-rise jeans and Gary Busey. These two things for me. And of course I think we all know that if it lasts more than 4 hours, see a doctor.

Монолог Эллен ДеДженерес от 12.15.2011 – русский перевод (скачать файл)

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