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Ellen’s Monologue — Portia’s Lotions (2011-03-21)

Отправлено в 12.12.2011 – 18:50 | Метки: ,

А вы знали, что Порша помешана на косметике? И что у нее есть «все виды лосьонов, которые только существуют, а их существует очень много» (c): есть лосьоны для лица, есть лосьоны для рук, есть лосьоны для ног, есть лосьоны для тела. «Зачем? Ну, зачем?» — задалась вопросом Эллен. И выдала очередной монолог на тему привычек своей супруги.:-)

Alright, today I want to talk about something serious if you don’t mind. I realize that Portia has a problem and I believe it’s serious. Portia is addicted to lotions. She is a lotion hoarder. And I don’t know how it took me so long to notice this, but she has bottles and bottles of lotions. There are bottles; they’re lined upon the counter, which I thought that’s all there were, but then under the sink there’s baskets of lotions. She has lotions from cheap drugstores, she has really fancy ones from the Marriot and the Holiday Inn.

I know Lord knows what she’s spending on that. She has every kind of lotion that there is and there’s a lot of lotions. I don’t know if you know this, but there’s a lotion for your face, there’s a lotion for your hands, there’s a lotion for your feet, there’s a lotion for your body. Why? Why? What would happen if you put a lotion on your feet, instead of your hands? Would your feet get confused and start clapping?! Would they… what… How does it differ? How does it know? “Oh, I’m supposed to be on the feet, not the hands!”

And each kind says something special for your skin. It has aloe or shea butter, or coconut or cocoa butter or vanilla, lemon extract. That’s one ingredient in short of a bun cake. That’s a lot of different things in there. And don’t get me wrong. I like a lotion. I use moisturizer on my face. I have to. It’s my money maker. And I have the hand lotion I use ‘cause when I shake my guests’ hands, I like to experience my suppleness of my hands. But hand lotion can be tricky ‘cause you have to be smart about when you put it on. If you put it on right before you work out, you’re gonna slip right off of that stripper pole. It’s hard to hang on, you’re slidin’ around, and then you’re on the ground. It’s hard to get your legs up in the air, you know ladies. And you have to know how much to put on too.

You don’t wanna overdo it because… this morning Portia got stuck in the bathroom for an hour trying to turn the door knob. And I had to remind her that we have a door that slides. But anyway, she’s pretty. I love you!

Have you been around somebody who puts too much lotion on and then they wanna give you extra? It feels more intimate than a sleepover. They’re all there like… If I’m gonna let a stranger rub lotion on me, there’s gonna be candles, and music and mall shoppers around me.

Well, today is the first day of spring and I have a spring cleaning challenge. Everyone should get rid off all the lotions that they don’t use anymore, and by everyone, I mean Portia. At least combine. Like they have the half bottles and they… Combine all the half bottles into one giant bottle of lotion that smells like a baby eating a cucumber in an orange grove. That would be… Alright, I’m done talkin’ about lotion. Tune in tomorrow when I talk about Portia’s extensive nail polish collection.

Монолог Эллен ДеДженерес от 27.10.2011 – русский перевод (скачать файл)

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